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Dear *|FNAME|*,
Several years ago, my cousin moved from Georgia to Vermont to help me with the kiddos through a challenging time in my life. As she was settling in, she mentioned how glad she was to move out of tornado country because of how much those storms terrified her. I playfully told her that while we don’t get them every year, we do still get them sometimes.
This past Thursday was “sometimes.”
My phone blew up with tornado warnings all day, which I dutifully ignored other than to stay indoors and keep working on business projects. But later that evening at a school board meeting, my neighbor described the absolute chaos she found at her house after work. Debris was scattered all over her yard, lawn furniture was smashed, and tree branches were everywhere. She said it looked like a scene from a movie. On the other hand, my house—just a short distance away—was completely unscathed. My highly susceptible-to-wind strawberry tower was in mint condition, and my son’s bike sat calmly in the driveway as though there hadn’t been a single breath of air movement.
Tornadoes are unique like that. They don’t affect an entire geographical region equally. They hop. They touch down, swirl intensely over one spot, and then lift up, leaving one house in a tempest while the neighbor’s yard experiences total stillness.
As I sat down to write to you today about how men experience birth, I realized it can feel a lot like that storm system.
Birth is a massive, powerful force of nature. But inside the room, mom and dad are often experiencing two completely different weather patterns. While a laboring mother is deep inside the eye of the vortex—surrendering to the physical intensity of the storm—the father is often standing just outside it, in that eerie, breathless stillness. He is watching this powerful force swirl around the woman he loves, unable to control where it touches down, unable to stop the wind, and completely unsure of his role other than to wait and see what the landscape looks like when the storm passes.
** Breaking the Silence
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This is where the unspoken tension lives. It is often incredibly difficult for men and dads to open up and talk about their side of the birthing experience. Cultural taboos, a lack of vocabulary for deep emotional processing, and the intensely feminine energy of the birthing room can feel off-putting or discouraging for men.
Our culture puts immense pressure on fathers to accept a very specific, idealized role: the untroubled, rock-solid “birth coach” who knows exactly what to do. But underneath that expectation, many dads are quietly navigating an internal weather system of anxiety, feeling out of place, or feeling obligated to act a certain way just to keep mom happy.
The Power of Skin-to-Skin Contact for Dads and Their Newborns
Photo from Capturing Joy Photography (https://www.capturingjoybirthservices.com/blog-1/2018/1/2/a-few-favorites-from-2017)
What I really want to talk about today is helping us understand what dads are thinking and feeling, but not saying.
To build a true, synergetic birth partnership, we have to open up those potentially uncomfortable conversations around expectations and fears in a way that ensures both partners feel heard, validated, and understood. When these conversations are unlocked, it completely transforms the experience, weaving a much stronger bond into the very foundation of the family.
** A Question to Open the Window
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If you are preparing for birth right now, I invite you to take a quiet moment with your partner this weekend and ask a question that strips away the cultural pressure. Ask him:
“If you weren’t just trying to make me happy, and there were no right or wrong answers, what would your honest birthing preference be? Do you want to be right there in the thick of it, are you feeling unsure, are you nervous, or do you feel a quiet pressure to be there even if you feel out of place?”
It takes immense bravery for a dad to admit he is nervous, or that the medical environment makes him feel helpless. But when a mom can look at her partner and say, “I see you, and it is okay for you to feel anxious too,” the atmospheric pressure in the relationship shifts. You stop navigating two separate storms and start working together as a team.
** Building Your Birth Shelter
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Instead of waiting for labor to find out where your partner stands, I want to give you a practical, intentional exercise you can practice together weekly. Think of this as building your emotional storm shelter. Just like families in tornado country anchor their foundations, clear the yard of loose debris, and map out a safe cellar before storm season hits, you two can build a structural plan so you aren’t caught off guard when the weather changes.
** Step 1: The Fear-into-Action List
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Grab a notebook together. Ask Dad to write down a raw list of what he is most afraid of or worried about regarding the labor and birth. No filters, no judgments. It could be seeing you in pain, navigating the hospital staff, the sight of blood, or simply not knowing what to do with his hands. Think of these as the loose pieces of yard furniture—unaddressed, they can fly around and cause panic during labor. Once they are on paper, don’t try to fix them right away. Just acknowledge them. Over the coming weeks, use these exact worries as your personal roadmap for research, finding answers, and securing your shelter together.
** Step 2: Shared Guideposts for Conversation
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Each week, sit down for 15 minutes, pull out your notebook, and use one or two of these specific prompts to ask your partner. These questions are designed for you, Mama, to lean in and gently encourage him to share his internal map:
* What is one thing you saw or read about birth this week that made you feel excited, and one thing that made you feel nervous?
* When life gets overwhelming or highly stressful, how do you typically react? Do you tend to jump into action and want a job to do, freeze up while you process, or need to take a step back to clear your head? How do you imagine that showing up in the delivery room?
* How can I best signal you during labor when I need your specific physical strength or anchor? What kind of cues (a specific word, a look, or direct touch) will help you know it’s time to step in?
* What are your thoughts on being an advocate for our birth plan? Do you feel comfortable speaking up to medical staff, or would you feel more supported having a doula share that role?
* When you picture the moments right after the baby is born, what does your ideal environment look and feel like for you?
* Is there any part of the physical birth process you feel underprepared for? How can we research that together this week?
By normalizing these conversations now, you replace the unpredictable “tornado” anxiety with a steady, reliable rhythm. You give him permission to step out of the role of a passive observer and into his true power as your anchor.
** Out and About in the Community
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If you are looking for places to connect, learn, or support our birth community in June, here is where you can find me:
* (TODAY) June 20 | Donuts with Doulas: Hosted by the WOMB Initiative from 10 AM to 12 PM. Come and enjoy donuts, meet local area doulas, and learn more about how a doula supports families. It is a wonderful, lighthearted way to show support for the birthing community and meet other local families. Learn more and RSVP here. (https://www.wombinitiative.org/event-details/doulas-donuts)
* June 30| Peer to Peer Learning Series: Beginning June 30 through July 21, I am offering a Peer to Peer Learning Series: Birth Trauma Witnessing & Support (https://www.eventbrite.com/e/trauma-informed-peer-support-series-for-birthworkers-tickets-1990203507265?aff=oddtdtcreator) . This is a virtual, 4-week intensive designed specifically for perinatal birth workers (doulas, midwives, nurses, OBs, and mental health professionals) who are holding space for clients with fear or trauma around their birthing experiences. Over four Tuesdays from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM, we will dive deep into the power of presence, neurobiology of trauma, and preventing secondary burnout so you can sustain this heartwork. You can find more details and secure your spot on the website: Two Hearts Healing Upcoming Events. (https://twoheartshealing.info/events/trauma-informed-peer-support-series-for-birthworkers/)
* July 15 | Want your hands back?: I will be at the Conway Public Library in partnership with IBCLC Danielle Woods of Valley Woods Lactation (https://www.valleywoodslactation.com/services) for a free hands-on babywearing demonstration. We will cover the benefits of babywearing, how to use a variety of wraps, and what wraps and positions work best at which ages and for which activities. Event listing (https://twoheartshealing.info/events/want-your-hands-back/)
* July 16 – Aug 13 | Preparing for Birth: I will be co-teaching with Lisa LaMountain through WOMB Initiative (https://www.wombinitiative.org/event-details/preparing-for-birth) a free childbirth education series. These will be held on Thursday evenings from 5-7 pm in Littleton. RSVP is required (https://www.wombinitiative.org/event-details/preparing-for-birth) . Click here to register (https://www.wombinitiative.org/event-details/preparing-for-birth) .
https://www.wombinitiative.org/event-details/doulas-donuts
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/trauma-informed-peer-support-series-for-birthworkers-tickets-1990203507265?aff=oddtdtcreator&keep_tld=true
** Taking the First Step Together
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You don’t have to navigate alone. If you feel like you are struggling to find your place or dissolve the anxiety in your motherhood journey, let’s start with a simple, quiet connection.
I offer a 15-minute Discovery Call (https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=33984276&appointmentType=70964149) —a completely free, no-pressure space dedicated entirely to you. It is a moment for us to pause together and see if our hearts are a good match for your healing journey.
What to expect in our 15 minutes:
* Your Story: I want to hear what you need most right now. Whether it’s about your family life, your daily work, or the message your body is sending you, I am here to listen.
* Connection: I’ll share how the Body Code and my professional expertise can specifically support your unique situation.
* Moving Forward: If it feels like a “yes” in your heart, we’ll talk about the next steps to get you back to feeling like yourself again.
You don’t have to figure out the whole path at once. Today is for taking the first step.
Free Discovery Call (https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=33984276&appointmentType=70964149)
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