Last week we talked about who tells the story, and today I am telling mine. I have shared bits and pieces of each of my children’s birth stories throughout the history of this newsletter, but today, I want to talk about the part that many of us carry: how after every beautiful birth, I still wanted to change something to perfect my birthing ideal.
I’ll start with the dream. When I found out I was pregnant with my first, I wanted to give birth outside. She was due in July, the weather would be perfect, and I lived in a secluded wooded area with no neighbors. I wanted a daytime labor with an evening birth. I wanted to be alone. While I hired midwives out of responsibility, I had a strong inner knowing that I just wanted to turn inward and let my body do what it was designed to do.
I was so close to perfection. I spent three-quarters of my labor at work, and when I left for home, I was probably around 6 centimeters. I was working with the contractions so well I thought I still had the whole night to get through; it didn’t hurt bad enough yet, and as a first-time mom, I figured these things just take a long time, you know?
My husband didn’t even know I was in labor until around 4 pm when I told him I was heading home. Little did I know how very difficult driving while contracting would be! White-knuckled and in pain for the first time, I made it home and stepped into the shower to relax back into my happy labor space. But labor doesn’t reverse.
I grabbed a blanket and set myself up on the lawn. It was evening, warm, and beautiful. But the contractions got stronger and faster, and I wasn’t coping as well as I wanted to. I finally gave up and called the midwives and my husband, telling them to get to me as fast as they could. When my water broke, I forgot everything I knew about breathing and relaxing my jaw. I maneuvered to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, wondering exactly how I was going to catch the baby if I were truly alone. I felt panic instead of the peace I was hoping for.
When my husband arrived, I tried to lay down. He held me upright because I had told him repeatedly that laying down was a terrible position—but in reality, there are exceptions. My mama-tuition knew things were happening fast and laying down would help slow the birth, although I couldn’t articulate that until years later. Instead, I ended up with my tailbone pressed against the corner edge of the bed. My fetal ejection reflex (https://www.midwiferytoday.com/mt-articles/birth-and-the-fetus-ejection-reflex/) kicked in, and the baby shot out of me. My husband barely managed to catch her.
About 20 minutes later the midwives showed up. They found a pretty bad tear, and I ended up with a postpartum transport to the hospital for some unique stitches they weren’t comfortable fixing up because of the location.
** The Exercise of Getting it Right
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Every birth after that has been an exercise in getting it right for me. With my second, I was terrified of pushing because I didn’t want to tear again. With my third, I craved that alone time. Number four was an emotional challenge because my mother was present. Baby number five came after a full day of haying. My sixth was so fast and furious I actually asked for an epidural—which shocked my home birth team. (Turns out fast births are jokesters; you think you can’t keep going, and then, pop, there’s a baby).
For my last baby, I was still dreaming of that perfect birth: outdoors, alone, breathing lovingly. Instead, he gave me a premature rupture of membranes with no contractions and a full day of trying to get things started. By the time labor kicked in, I was exhausted. I had to push hard—on my back and side with people supporting my legs. But as he crowned, I remembered one last piece of the dream. I reached down, felt his head, and with one last mighty push, I pulled him up to myself as he was born.
** The Reality of Disappointment
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Even with the best of birth stories, there is usually something that didn’t go the way we planned. Disappointment and grief can accompany any birth along with the beautiful moments. I never did get that ideal dream birth. What I got instead were beautifully transformative births that taught me something I needed to help me be Mother.
Yesterday, I facilitated a lunch and learn where we talked about birth trauma. One participant asked what to do when someone tells a story involving pain, especially when our logical minds think it should have been a normal experience. We talked about how vital it is for women to express their own interpretation. Even if it doesn’t make sense to an observer, it is a reality for her to have felt what she felt.
I recently spent several hours in a car with a mother who had nearly lost her life and her baby’s life because physicians did not listen when she said, “Something isn’t right and I need help”. She told me details she had never voiced out loud. At the end, she commented on how strange it was to open up so easily. In all her difficulty, no one had thought to ask her to talk about herself.
** Ritual: A Gentle Acknowledgement
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When our babies fall and skin their knees, a mother’s kiss is more healing than any cream. That brief moment of attention and acknowledgment allows the pain to pass. We need that same grace for our own stories.
This week, try this Gentle Acknowledgement Ritual:
Find a quiet moment. Place your hands over your heart or on your belly. Take a deep breath and say to yourself:
I see you. I know you. I am listening.
Allow whatever feelings come up—disappointment, joy, or grief—to exist without trying to fix them. Just for a moment, let your story be exactly what it is.
** Expanding the Circle: A Referral Opportunity
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As I move into this first full month of focusing solely on Two Hearts Healing and the mamas I serve, I want to grow our community of support.
I am launching a referral drawing that will run through the end of May.
How it works: If you know a mama who is struggling—whether she is pregnant and anxious, or postpartum and feeling the weight of a difficult birth—refer her to my website for a free 15-minute Discovery Call (http://www.twoheartshealing.info) . When she books her call, ask her to put your name in the “How did you hear about me?” box. For every person you refer who books a call, you will get an entry into a drawing to win a full Rooted In Motherhood (https://twoheartshealing.info/services/) package (a $450 value). I will announce the winner on May 30th.
You can direct them to the main site atwww.twoheartshealing.info, or, if you are speaking with professionals (midwives or doctors) about birth trauma, you can share the specialized portal at www.birth-trauma.info.
** May Calendar
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May is proving to be a full month for Two Hearts Healing. I would love for you to follow along. Many of these events are fun for the family and I will be at the WOMB Nursing Nook purple and white tent.
* May 11 | WOMB Open House: Tour the Nursing Nook and meet our team in Littleton, 12 pm – 5 pm. Learn more (https://www.wombinitiative.org/event-details/open-house)
* May 13 | Radio Feature: Catch me on the Mind Body Soul (https://restorativehealththerapies.substack.com/) show at 1 pm on NoCo Community Radio.Listen here (https://nococommunityradio.org/project/mind-body-soul/)
* May 16 | Playground Welcoming: I will have the WOMB Nursing Nook (https://www.wombinitiative.org/nursingnook) in North Stratford (https://thecbh.org/event/grand-welcoming-to-the-revitalized-backstreet-river-park/) from 10:30 am – 2 pm
* May 20 | Community Resource & Job Fair: I am bringing the WOMB Nursing Nook to White Mountain Community College in Littleton (https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1279561247485216&set=a.432966358811380) from 1 pm – 5 pm
* May 22 | Resource Fair: Joining the WOMB Nursing Nook (https://www.wombinitiative.org/nursingnook) in Colebrook, 12 pm – 5 pm. More info here (https://www.facebook.com/BrooksColebrookCountryDaySchool/posts/the-from-play-to-possibilities-resource-fair-is-right-around-the-corner-tag-your/1822793895700733/)
* May 26 | Service Showcase: Mini-demos and presentations at A Place Above the Notch (https://www.theplaceabovethenotch.com/) , 2061 Main St, Bethlehem, 5 pm – 6:30 pm. Information (https://www.clearedtoflourish.com/flourishtogether)
* May 30 | Good Grief 5K: Supporting Empty Arms VT (https://www.emptyarmsvermont.org/) for pregnancy and infant loss awareness.Register here (https://runsignup.com/Race/VT/SouthBurlington/EmptyArmsVT5K)
http://www.wombinitiative.org
** Free Discovery Call
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Healing shouldn’t be another item on your to-do list that causes overwhelm. If you feel like you are struggling to find your place in the motherhood journey, let’s start with a simple, quiet connection.
I offer a 15-minute Discovery Call (https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=33984276&appointmentType=70964149) —a completely free, no-pressure space dedicated entirely to you. It is a moment for us to pause together and see if our hearts are a good match for your healing journey.
What to expect in our 15 minutes:
* Your Story: I want to hear what you need most right now. Whether it’s about your family life, your daily work, or the message your body is sending you, I am here to listen.
* Connection: I’ll share how the Body Code and my professional expertise can specifically support your unique situation.
* Moving Forward: If it feels like a “yes” in your heart, we’ll talk about the next steps to get you back to feeling like yourself again.
You don’t have to figure out the whole path at once. Today is for taking the first step.
Free Discovery Call (https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=33984276&appointmentType=70964149)
** Sneak Peek into Next Week
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Next week, we are diving into the feelings of failure and anxiety that can keep us from trusting our inner wisdom. We will explore how harnessing those difficult feelings can actually provide a transformational power in the choices we make for ourselves and our babies.