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If you would like to read previous newsletters, they are posted on my website blog (https://twoheartshealing.info/blog/) .
Hello and happy October, *|FNAME|*,
The air is getting crisp, and as the leaves begin to fall, we are reminded of the natural cycles of death and new life. This season of change offers us a gentle invitation to pause, reflect, and honor the love that remains. In this spirit, we are turning our focus to a topic that is close to my heart, and perhaps to yours as well: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.
Pregnancy and infant loss refers to the death of a baby at any point from conception through the first year of life. This includes miscarriage, stillbirth, and the death of a newborn or infant. It’s a deeply painful and often isolating experience, and my goal this month is to create a space for healing and remembrance.
Throughout October, my hope is to offer some comfort and support for those who have walked this painful path. Here is what you can expect:
* Week 1: I’ll be sharing my personal experiences with pregnancy loss.
* Week 2: Join me for a free virtual event, “The Heart of Grieving”
* Week 3: We’ll answer your questions about pregnancy and infant loss and introduce you to a pregnancy loss bereavement doula.
* Week 4: I will review and compare two books on the subject.
My sincere hope is that this month’s newsletter provides a sense of community and a space for healing and remembrance. Thank you for being here.
** My Journey of Loss and Healing
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Last month, I briefly mentioned my two pregnancy losses in my birth stories. Today, I want to share a more detailed account of these experiences.
** Sage’s Story
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In August of 2007, I was just starting my second trimester. My husband saw me and our two young children off at the airport for a trip from Connecticut to Georgia. I was dealing with morning sickness, and my five- and four-year-old were a handful. I was worried, but not about the pregnancy.
The two-week trip was a series of family visits and sightseeing across Georgia and Tennessee. During a hike, I got into some poison ivy. The rash spread all over my body, and the intense summer heat and humidity made me miserable. I just wanted to go home.
While staying at my mother’s house, I began spotting (https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/related-conditions/common-symptoms/vaginal-bleeding/) . Panicked, I called a midwife back home in Connecticut. We had only spoken briefly once, and her words were direct: “Spotting is normal, and if you are going to miscarry, there is nothing we can do to stop it. Go to an emergency room if you bleed through two pads in an hour.”
For the next three days, I continued to spot. It was a stressful time. I was itchy and hot, my kids were out of their routine, and I was consumed with worry. After leaving my mother’s, I went to my brother and sister-in-law’s house. That night, after the kids were in bed, the bleeding picked up, and I began to cramp. I knew I was losing the baby we had already named Sage.
The cramps became regular, swelling like the contractions I remembered from my two births. I used breathing techniques to get through them, crying and calling my best friend and cousin for support. My sister-in-law was trying to help, but her comforting words felt hollow. I asked to be alone, and we all went to bed.
I didn’t sleep.
I cried between contractions, and through them I let my body work. I felt my cervix open and the building pressure. Eventually, the pain became unbearable, and I went to my sister-in-law for help. I sat on the toilet in the bathroom, crying through the contractions, as she held my hands and let me rest my head on her shoulder.
After a few minutes, I passed something large, and the pain instantly stopped. I looked into the toilet and saw a perfect, intact sac with a tiny fetus (https://www.britannica.com/video/Human-embryonic-development-birth-fertilization/-220087) inside.
I gently took it out and held it in my hands. We took a blurry picture, then carefully placed the baby on a paper towel in a bowl.
My sister-in-law just held me as I sobbed.
We placed the bowl in the refrigerator and went to bed. I slept fitfully. The next morning, I chose to bury my little one under a tree in the backyard. I wanted to carry my baby home with me, but I knew that would be impossible with air travel across several states.
Losing a pregnancy is a solitary grief, even when you are surrounded by love. Little did I know, this would not be my only experience with this kind of loss. 13 years later, I would face a similar tragedy.
** Willow’s Journey
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A few days after seeing those two pink lines, a familiar feeling of joy was quickly joined by something else: a twinge of pain on my right side. My mind immediately jumped to a fear I hadn’t even consciously acknowledged—an ectopic pregnancy (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ectopic-pregnancy/symptoms-causes/syc-20372088) . Over the next week, the twinges grew more frequent and intense. They weren’t yet alarming, but my gut told me something was wrong.
My first call wasn’t to a doctor, but to a friend who also does Body Code work (https://twoheartshealing.info/body-code/) . I explained what I was feeling, hoping she could use muscle testing to uncover what was happening.
What we discovered was both beautiful and heartbreaking. Through the muscle testing, she revealed that I was pregnant with twins—a boy and a girl. We learned their names, too: Willow for the girl and Aspen for the boy. Willow’s energy felt strong, dominant, and carried a fearful, traumatic energy. She seemed to be telling us she was afraid to receive a body, as if she had tried and been unsuccessful before. We also discovered my intuition was right; both twins were ectopically implanted. I worked with my friend to reassure them that they needed to be released back to their pre-birth place. I told them I loved them and would welcome them back with a correct implantation.
During the session, the cramps in my body grew stronger. By the end, I needed a pad for the bleeding that had begun. I miscarried that evening. The miscarriage was complete, but I still consulted with my midwife the following day to ensure I did not need follow up care (there are life-threatening risks to an ectopic pregnancy if the miscarriage is not complete).
Over the next few months, I prepared my body and spirit for a twin pregnancy. Eventually, I became pregnant again. My symptoms and early prenatal visits confirmed my suspicion: I was carrying twins. Throughout my first trimester, Willow’s presence was palpable—she felt fiery and strong, while Aspen was there but quiet, a calm and tender spirit. At one prenatal visit, we thought we heard two heartbeats with the Doppler, but it was difficult to tell for sure.
Around 15 or 16 weeks, I felt an absence of Willow’s powerful presence. At my next prenatal visit, my uterus hadn’t grown as expected. We found one heartbeat, but not a second one. The wait for the ultrasound was filled with anxiety and fear. I felt less and less connected to one of my babies, even as I began to feel the first flutterings of movement from the other.
At the ultrasound, there was only one baby—no signs of twins. I was told I had experienced “vanishing twin syndrome” (https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/multiples/vanishing-twin-syndrome/) and was only carrying one baby, a boy.
I mourned the loss of Willow. I wanted the challenge of raising her fiery spirit. When Aspen was born, a calm, tender soul who had nestled close to my heart, we named him John Aspen. His full birth story can be found on my website here (https://twoheartshealing.info/from-my-heart-to-yours/) .
** Finding Space for Grief
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Life doesn’t always pause to let us heal. For me, a series of overwhelming events prevented me from taking the time I needed to grieve the deaths of Sage and Willow. I was away from home, traveling home by air after I lost Sage. I continued my pregnancy with John in 2020, during the peak of COVID-19, while also planning a home birth, my oldest daughter’s wedding, and a market garden for our farm after losing Willow. The following year, a devastating family tragedy brought me through a deep process of healing from my own childhood trauma. For the next few years, my entire focus was on my family’s needs and intense mental health work.
Then, in February of this year, I finally found the space to mourn. I attended a pregnancy loss circle through WOMB Initiative (https://www.wombinitiative.org/) and allowed myself to grieve both of my lost babies. It was a profound and necessary experience for me.
A few weeks later, I created a tribute to them through painting. The canvas became a willow tree with unusual coloring—pink to represent the love I have for them and the pain and blood associated with their loss. The tree’s low-growing foliage at its base symbolizes my deep connection to them, and twinkling lights represent their eternal place in my heart. A purple river flows beside the tree, leading towards the sun, a symbol of their premature return to the spiritual realm. The shape of the tree is a pregnant belly with the branches reaching down as arms surrounding my lost babies.
This painting is a sacred reminder that even when life is chaotic, there is always a way to honor our grief and find peace in our love.
** Help for Your Healing Journey
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During the month of October, Two Hearts Healing is offering the Pregnancy/Infant Loss Bundle (https://twoheartshealing.info/packages-products-and-services/) for $240 (normally $400), a savings of 40%. This package is designed to support you wherever you are in your healing process.
The Bundle includes three 45-minute sessions:
* Session 1: Focuses on the initial grief process, helping you discover and release emotions and traumatic energy around your loss.
* Session 2: Focuses on your love for your unborn child, helping you find and protect a home in your heart for your eternal motherly love.
* Session 3: Focuses on facing the future, helping you create alignment with bringing your heart and your child with you into this moment and beyond.
An email summary is included after each session.
To purchase, visit https://twoheartshealing.info/packages-products-and-services/. Choose Option 6 and scroll down to the Pregnancy/Infant Loss Bundle. Use coupon code PAIL25 at checkout.
** Also featured in October
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Special one time only free virtual event, Wednesday, Oct 15.
The Heart of Grieving Registration (https://twoheartshealing.info/contact/the-heart-of-grieving-registration/)